Thursday, December 6, 2012

Irritating Rare Breed

Unlike most vampires I don’t mind dropping in on the dentist now and then so they can concentrate on my calculus , keep an eye on my incisors, and take a turn at all the gum-numbing I can earn. A steady diet of carbonated beverages, black coffee, and Starburst FRUITY candy have not only taken a toll on my breath, but have also made all three of my hillbilly cuspids ‘BI’ too. You would think those oral orifice laureates would actually look lovingly toward my lap-landings since my bottom of the barrel ‘B.M.’ ( big mouth) has paid for so many of their top of the drawer B.M.W.’s 

I try to give ‘em a linty hint that I’m in need of serious attention by wearing my shoes with the holes in the toes and my greasy fleeced freeloader frock. Of course when your whole ‘dirty mouth’ business model is built around leaving creatures like me unattended with x-rays, water, and electricity for extended periods of time, explosions and expletives should be expected. It is perfectly natural that when a boy attains a certain age, he has a healthy curiosity of what buttons need to be pushed and played with when he is left alone on a throne.

Can I help it if all that high tech gear hooked up to the dental dip’s electric chair attracts me like a mountain of moth larvae at a wool convention? It’s not that I look forward to a lengthy tongue lashing from my dentist, it’s just why leave someone alone with a mirror and a high intensity light if you don’t want them to use it? I think the inmates in the tooth-cubicle next-over rather appreciate the levity of my shadow puppet plays over the Doc’s phlegmy fingers any day. 

What kind of dental hygiene hijinks is it gonna’ take to earn a CROWN or at least a standing fluoridation from my dentist, FLOSSING? – yeah like anyone really tugs tendrils through their tusks! My sacrifices and dedication to these tooth-slayers  to improve their fistula FUNdamentals  should have already earned me a double shot of Scope on the rocks or at least a bigger spit-bib by now. After all anyone can expect to be sore after a trip in for dental care, but it’s a rare breed indeed who can guarantee to make it even MORE of an irritating stint for the DENTIST.


  1. Thanks for writing for so long! Good luck with whatever lies ahead!

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  3. If the dentist doesn't want you to play with all the controls, they should hide them!