Can somebody explain to me the science behind, why my house and windows get so filthy all of the time. This dump is like having a little baby again that needs to be pampered and preened every day. Actually, just like when I had a baby, I don’t even care if they TRULY are dirty, as long as it doesn’t show to the casual observer.
I especially hate working on the computer in the early morning when magically the sun will come up and scare me. No I am not a vampire, though as a blogger the similarity can be confusing; it’s just the rising sun at an acute angle, hits the windows just right. This of course, while signaling my primal need for caffeine, also dramatically highlights the rivulets of dirt, grime, and bird strikes on my home’s wall of windows.
I know I sound like a royal whiner but you have to understand, to remedy my castle’s need for clean crenulations – well it requires a lot of work. I will have to push the special doorbell that I installed into my daughter’s dungeon suite so that she will come out when I need her. I will have to show her where the soap, ladder, catapult, and pressure washer is. Then I may have to wait upwards of a WHOLE FORTNIGHT to finally receive ‘instant gratification’ that only sparkling parapet windows and siding can provide.
Lest you forget, I am from the dark underbelly of medieval society that forages for ideas and humorous asides from other people’s leavings, leftovers, and misfortunes. I don’t actually DO anything – I’m kind of like that irritating reminder of yesterday’s gruel left on your table plates - AFTER they’ve been cycled in the dishwasher. I hang-on long enough to needle YOU into action, but escape your ‘fingernail justice’ just-in-time with a light rinse under the tap. Yeah like my windows, it’s dirty work. But I'm happy to sacrifice myself (or more appropriately my kid), in the name of science and have the chance, to cleanly live-on to WRITE another day!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Pitch a Chip Fit
Maybe more than most people I like spicy snack chips. Yeah a lot of humans can’t get enough ice cream , cakes or cookies, but you can keep all that sweet stuff. I need my salted triangles, flat pepper crackers, and crunchy ‘hot’chips. But just because of that fact, the people at Doritos should not take advantage of my indiscriminate spicy-liking, yet ‘chipper’ nature with their clever packaging.
Now the problem is that the Frito Lay folks have decided to start marketing bags of all kinds of weird flavored chips. Most tend to be acceptable combinations of spicy salsa flavors like Habanero n’ Cheese or Chili and Lime and they all are in excitingly colorful red bags. However, I found a flavor variety this week with Japanese written on a yellow-green bag. The name on this new mystery chip was simply, “Doritos, Mr. Dragon’s Fire Chips”.
Now I don’t know about you, but that sounds PRETTY GOOD to me! I mean “fire chips” and a DRAGON on the SAME package? You cannot get a much better representation of a hot, spicy, and salty snack chip than that. It looked like a bag of fireworks so I fell instantly in true love! The only problem is that it has been more than 25 years since I studied Japanese, so I could not remember the meaning of the Japanese writing on the package. All I knew was since it was Katakana, it HAD to be a Japanese attempt at a phonetic translation of a foreign descriptive word like “Crunchy or Jumbo” – well you get the idea.
So I get this curious green Doritos bag home and of course I have to dive right into the contents. I was on a mission to see what rare flavor treat this “dragon fire chip” had in store for me. The smell alone wafting from the open package gave it away. But once that golden chip with the unique and very green flavor dust hit my tongue, I instantly remembered what the three syllable Katakana word on the packaging said – WA-SA-BI!
Yes that nasty and brutally hot sushi mustard, Wasabi had tainted my lips and worse yet the WHOLE 12 ounces of my $4 bag of chips! What have I done to Frito Lay to deserve such treatment? I am a loyal customer, willing to risk my own health and financial security to eat their pricey, heart-stopping products. Heck I am even dumb enough to fall in love with their pretty green packaging even if the critically important main flavor ingredient is written in a foreign language.
So needless to say I was not happy and half a mind to pitch a fit AND those chips to the wind. But a cool head prevailed and I thought better of it. Whatever my daughter’s friends won’t eat, I will RECYCLE the rest as organic ‘mustardy-mulch’ around the garden. Then, not only will I truly be going GREEN, but as soon as it gets dark, our pesky raccoon moochers will be too!
Now the problem is that the Frito Lay folks have decided to start marketing bags of all kinds of weird flavored chips. Most tend to be acceptable combinations of spicy salsa flavors like Habanero n’ Cheese or Chili and Lime and they all are in excitingly colorful red bags. However, I found a flavor variety this week with Japanese written on a yellow-green bag. The name on this new mystery chip was simply, “Doritos, Mr. Dragon’s Fire Chips”.
Now I don’t know about you, but that sounds PRETTY GOOD to me! I mean “fire chips” and a DRAGON on the SAME package? You cannot get a much better representation of a hot, spicy, and salty snack chip than that. It looked like a bag of fireworks so I fell instantly in true love! The only problem is that it has been more than 25 years since I studied Japanese, so I could not remember the meaning of the Japanese writing on the package. All I knew was since it was Katakana, it HAD to be a Japanese attempt at a phonetic translation of a foreign descriptive word like “Crunchy or Jumbo” – well you get the idea.
So I get this curious green Doritos bag home and of course I have to dive right into the contents. I was on a mission to see what rare flavor treat this “dragon fire chip” had in store for me. The smell alone wafting from the open package gave it away. But once that golden chip with the unique and very green flavor dust hit my tongue, I instantly remembered what the three syllable Katakana word on the packaging said – WA-SA-BI!
Yes that nasty and brutally hot sushi mustard, Wasabi had tainted my lips and worse yet the WHOLE 12 ounces of my $4 bag of chips! What have I done to Frito Lay to deserve such treatment? I am a loyal customer, willing to risk my own health and financial security to eat their pricey, heart-stopping products. Heck I am even dumb enough to fall in love with their pretty green packaging even if the critically important main flavor ingredient is written in a foreign language.
So needless to say I was not happy and half a mind to pitch a fit AND those chips to the wind. But a cool head prevailed and I thought better of it. Whatever my daughter’s friends won’t eat, I will RECYCLE the rest as organic ‘mustardy-mulch’ around the garden. Then, not only will I truly be going GREEN, but as soon as it gets dark, our pesky raccoon moochers will be too!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
The Devil’s spread
What’s the big secret behind the magic of Underwood’s ‘deviled’ ham? I mean anyone with a fork and a sense of mischief can squish, stir, and screw up meaty goo into an unrecognizable mash can’t they? Supposedly this stuff is the oldest food process still in use today, since ol’ Billy Underwood finally got off the pot and secured the 82nd patent for it in 1870.
I have had the pleasure of smearing a few dabs of Underwood’s Deviled Ham on some white bread and there is no doubt it IS GOOD. But honestly, is there really ham in there because all I know for sure is that there is some yellowish liquid grease that floats to the top. The hammy taste is sharp and fizzy to the tongue and best served warm since it coagulates to a pink tasteless paste when cold.
The idea of ‘deviling’ something means it has to have a ‘kick’ or spicy taste to it. So I guess somebody who has close ties to the aging devil’s intestinal fortitude, knows how he needs his ham prepared? I don’t think the Devil has reliably sharp teeth any longer since deviled ham can be sucked up through a straw if need be. I guess the poor horny one’s innards and working parts are full of Maalox and way past their prime now.
So I have a GUT feeling that it’s the SPECIAL processing that’s the big secret behind the Devil’s perfect luncheon spread? Since I am dubious about the TRUE origins of deviled ham though, I still prefer to leave the deviling to eggs. Yes I like my food products squeezed out of plump, free-range chickens rather than settling for the Devil’s intestinal burnt offerings . . . often found under wood.
I have had the pleasure of smearing a few dabs of Underwood’s Deviled Ham on some white bread and there is no doubt it IS GOOD. But honestly, is there really ham in there because all I know for sure is that there is some yellowish liquid grease that floats to the top. The hammy taste is sharp and fizzy to the tongue and best served warm since it coagulates to a pink tasteless paste when cold.
The idea of ‘deviling’ something means it has to have a ‘kick’ or spicy taste to it. So I guess somebody who has close ties to the aging devil’s intestinal fortitude, knows how he needs his ham prepared? I don’t think the Devil has reliably sharp teeth any longer since deviled ham can be sucked up through a straw if need be. I guess the poor horny one’s innards and working parts are full of Maalox and way past their prime now.
So I have a GUT feeling that it’s the SPECIAL processing that’s the big secret behind the Devil’s perfect luncheon spread? Since I am dubious about the TRUE origins of deviled ham though, I still prefer to leave the deviling to eggs. Yes I like my food products squeezed out of plump, free-range chickens rather than settling for the Devil’s intestinal burnt offerings . . . often found under wood.
UN-intelligent Design
Today in Missouri we really had perfect weather. Now perfect can mean a lot of things to a lot of people, but I really mean PERFECT no matter what weather language you speak. You know those days – low humidity, blue sky and the sun’s shining a comfortable 80 degrees with a few puffy cotton balls floating around posing as clouds.
Why can’t everyday be like that? I really enjoy the rain and on a rare occasion even a snowflake or two, but mostly I love those gorgeous sunny days. The truth is that when I lived in California, I took them for granted. Yeah they were admittedly more hazy than a real PERFECT day, but they still were pretty close. If you have great weather all the time, you forget what it is that you love about it and after awhile you almost grow to dislike it because it never varies.
Since thunderstorms are rare in Southern California, I really loved it when I came to the Midwest and they form weekly if not daily sometimes. Now that I see thunderstorms so often, I just take them for granted too. Slowly, if I live here long enough, I am sure I will start to complain about all the inconvenience of thunder and lightning too. I’m smart right? Why don’t I design and organize the weather?
I need to live in a place that on Mondays , Fridays, and Saturday’s it is perfectly sunny and not too hot or humid. Then on Tuesdays and Thursdays – those days are reserved for rain and thunder events. Sundays, well as long as it all melted by Monday morning, and I did not have to shovel it, drive in it, or eat it, then, I think we could fit snow in there every other week or so alternating with fog for atmosphere. Hail – NO! except to call cabs, do something to a chief, or protest loudly like the hill folk do when they are expected to use indoor plumbing. We would completely skip wind because except for sailors and blowhards – who needs offshore stuff anyway? Uh Oh, I think I just worked myself out of a blog job … now that’s what I call PERFECT!
Why can’t everyday be like that? I really enjoy the rain and on a rare occasion even a snowflake or two, but mostly I love those gorgeous sunny days. The truth is that when I lived in California, I took them for granted. Yeah they were admittedly more hazy than a real PERFECT day, but they still were pretty close. If you have great weather all the time, you forget what it is that you love about it and after awhile you almost grow to dislike it because it never varies.
Since thunderstorms are rare in Southern California, I really loved it when I came to the Midwest and they form weekly if not daily sometimes. Now that I see thunderstorms so often, I just take them for granted too. Slowly, if I live here long enough, I am sure I will start to complain about all the inconvenience of thunder and lightning too. I’m smart right? Why don’t I design and organize the weather?
I need to live in a place that on Mondays , Fridays, and Saturday’s it is perfectly sunny and not too hot or humid. Then on Tuesdays and Thursdays – those days are reserved for rain and thunder events. Sundays, well as long as it all melted by Monday morning, and I did not have to shovel it, drive in it, or eat it, then, I think we could fit snow in there every other week or so alternating with fog for atmosphere. Hail – NO! except to call cabs, do something to a chief, or protest loudly like the hill folk do when they are expected to use indoor plumbing. We would completely skip wind because except for sailors and blowhards – who needs offshore stuff anyway? Uh Oh, I think I just worked myself out of a blog job … now that’s what I call PERFECT!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Frosty World Mug
Like many Americans, I am not an overly enthusiastic soccer fan. I actually appreciate the athleticism of the sport greatly, it is just the scoring is too low. Everybody who watches sports love a good back and forth close game, but come on – Zero to Zero ties or One to Zero wins? Plainly not enough scoring!
And I have to be honest, have you SEEN the world cup? I’m not sure what it is but it ‘ain’t no cup’! It kind of looks like an egg resting atop a tree or some kind of growth. I know even the Superbowl trophy is a little wimpy looking too but this soccer cup needs an immediate upgrade to at least a frosty tall MUG!
My kid played soccer once when she was quite young. I am the least competitive type of parent you will ever meet regarding team sports. I want the kids to just have fun and learn something especially when they are very young. However, honestly, my daughter and a group of 10 other kids would kind of push the ball around the edges of the arena and follow it in a huddle. My daughter would politely wait for a turn to kick the ball in a mass of ankles, stuffed socks, and shoes.
That was so frustrating to watch – just kick the thing already and move it around. But no, the packed huddle would continue to shuffle around the arena for 30 excruciating minutes. It is no wonder I have no tolerance for the game now, because I have a Pavlovian response to immediately sleep after a few minutes of exposure. I am not sure if this is triggered by soccer balls, colorful socks, or my dill pickled & DULL brain? Just in case now, I only wear white socks and avoid soccer balls religiously. Hmmm, strange, I always seem to be sleepy when I write this blog … there must be a soccer ball or some stinky colored socks around somewhere?
And I have to be honest, have you SEEN the world cup? I’m not sure what it is but it ‘ain’t no cup’! It kind of looks like an egg resting atop a tree or some kind of growth. I know even the Superbowl trophy is a little wimpy looking too but this soccer cup needs an immediate upgrade to at least a frosty tall MUG!
My kid played soccer once when she was quite young. I am the least competitive type of parent you will ever meet regarding team sports. I want the kids to just have fun and learn something especially when they are very young. However, honestly, my daughter and a group of 10 other kids would kind of push the ball around the edges of the arena and follow it in a huddle. My daughter would politely wait for a turn to kick the ball in a mass of ankles, stuffed socks, and shoes.
That was so frustrating to watch – just kick the thing already and move it around. But no, the packed huddle would continue to shuffle around the arena for 30 excruciating minutes. It is no wonder I have no tolerance for the game now, because I have a Pavlovian response to immediately sleep after a few minutes of exposure. I am not sure if this is triggered by soccer balls, colorful socks, or my dill pickled & DULL brain? Just in case now, I only wear white socks and avoid soccer balls religiously. Hmmm, strange, I always seem to be sleepy when I write this blog … there must be a soccer ball or some stinky colored socks around somewhere?
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