Life's Random Observations

Occasionally I have to break from my conventional patter to present a brief compendium of unrelated events that are interesting (at least to me). These topics usually do not have enough tread on the tires to earn a full-blown post individually, but still deserve an honorable mention or re-direct. Enjoy!

This whole “My three words” fad is all over the place again this year, or maybe it never went away? This was started a couple of years back when the ABC network asked people to express their emotion, need, or declaration in only three simple words. It has since been extended and adapted as a technique for goal setting or as a memorial to tragic events by regular folks to even celebrities. You can see tons of examples on the web but only here can you see my almost daily RECURRING sentiment in 3 words …



I had to laugh that Missouri put out a press release that it will join 18 other States in observing ‘Earth Hour’. The State Capitol, the Arch, and Busch stadium will all go ‘dark’ for an hour at 8:30pm on 3/27/10 to promote energy conservation. While the idea is noble, can you imagine the resources required in all these States to go shut down all those flood lights, have public works people shoot the breeze for an hour+ on overtime, then re-start those high powered lights? Yes I get the symbolism but would it not be a ‘teensy’ bit more meaningful if the action ACTUALLY SAVED ENERGY AND MONEY?

These following news items were pretty exciting. The Canadians stepped up again. I have NEVER been a fan of dodge ball, the game OR the movie, but the time lapse ceiling camera adds enough artistic beauty to this clip to make it interesting. Reminds me of my old Uncle Milty's GIANT Ant Farm. Edmonton Journal made this vid:

Now Snuggies on the other hand – those are my cup of tea! What better invention can there be than an ultra-soft, over-sized hunk of warm, cuddly fabric with arm sleeves built in? Oh yeah I remember – that’s called a ROBE! Still, a massive gathering of these ‘mock’ Monks is worthy of a gander. Thanks to the AP for this video:

And finally, who needs Will Rogers when I can just call upon my personal sage? Here lies the passing of one of my Dad’s most recent witticisms out of literally “a cast of THOUSANDS”. . .

"Why should I go to anyone's funeral if they won't come to mine?" – B.H. Camp, 2010

A Band-Aid for Healthcare

I have not spent a bunch of time rallying either for or against the healthcare debate, mostly because what I say or think will not make one iota of difference anyway. So why get a full head of steam built up when there is no train on the track? Did I just channel Will Rogers? No, probably not since there are no steam trains on tracks any longer, ergo the analogy just does not make any sense?

Well that is EXACTLY how I feel about this healthcare bill as written. At 2800 pages long, it is just too much for anyone to get their proverbial arms around, much less actually digest. It confounds me as to what the big attraction is in this bill that makes grown politicians throw caution to the wind along with their potentially long political careers just to cram all of this through RIGHT NOW? Doesn’t that make anyone else just a little bit curious and NERVOUS? Just what flavor of Kool-aid are these folks drinking?

Now I completely understand the President’s reluctance in throwing the WHOLE bill out and starting over. Even if I were naïve enough to believe that Congress really will put the interests of the people FIRST (THIS TIME) over their individual party agendas, I personally don’t think another year of debate will change much? It’s clear that both sides are more interested in gaining a political advantage over each other than solving the basic issues and that drives the public crazy. We know these people are wasting our time, money and worse yet they SUPPOSEDLY work for us? The reality though is that this is AMERICA, not Europe and MOST Americans are not interested in giving up their world-class healthcare availability to emulate inadequate socialized medicine models despite the President's good intentions.

In general I’ll admit it! I am stupid and impatient when it comes to reams of legal descriptions, covenants, and provisions on just about ANYTHING. So why not make it easy on me and anyone like me when these guys go to write a ‘GOOD’ healthcare bill? Quit trying to be all things to all people and bankrupting the system in the process. Take things slow – test a couple of ideas and fine tune the balance to get the BEST answer rather than any old answer. My happy band-aid fix for healthcare is to simply split it up into small parts and let the light of day expose the TRUTH on whatever it is that is being pushed upon us.

If Congress is sincere and they truly can come together on sensible provisions for health plan portability or the elimination of pre-existing condition cut-offs; then VOTE on those pieces now. Put off the provisions that cause the Unions to go nuts, the insurance companies to fight, and the rest of us not to trust anybody that sets foot in Washington.

In the end the REAL problem with healthcare access is ALL cost driven – not features! If you get rid of the obscene LIABILITY exposure for Doctors, Hospitals, medical equipment and drug manufacturers, then you will be a step closer to a workable solution. The government could set strictly DEFINED limited liability schedules and enforce them. No more multi-million dollar judgments for a severed toe or similar misfortune. People would still be protected adequately from abuse or malpractice, but no more re-distribution of wealth in the hundreds of millions to a few lawyers at the expense of the many.

Congress need not concentrate on EXTENDING access if it focuses on driving down COSTS including legal liabilities. As costs lower, and real market-driven solutions take hold, the ideal of increased access and universal coverage will soon become closer to a reality. Will Rogers DID say “People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument“ so quit bickering over thousands of pages of ‘gotchas’ and legal ‘twists’ for special interest groups. Divide the legislation up into easy-to-understand and small digestible chunks and give them an Up or Down vote. Remember It’s the U.S. taxpayer who is footing the bill, so please try using a band-aid FIRST to fix healthcare BEFORE subjecting all Americans to a Socialist European 'BODY CAST'!

Top Ten Either/Or signs you're TOO fat...

1) You need several friends to cut and bag your toenails OR a full-length mirror to even see them yourself.

2) You are seriously considering buying an infomercial personal hygiene wand OR your entire bathroom is actually a really giant bidet.

3) You’re the Hollywood director Michael Moore OR your shadow does not fit through a patio door even on a cloudy day!

4) When you’re forklifted onto a plane OR they automatically hand you a seat-belt extender and a case of Mountain Dew.

5) Your personal weight scale audibly grunts when mounted OR your Body Mass Index is 100%.

6) When you walk, glasses of water shake like in Jurassic park OR your footprints leave permanent impressions on carpet like furniture.

7) The bus dangerously lists to your side even when everyone else is sitting on the other OR you must hold the steering wheel by keeping your chest at 10 & 2

8) The sleep number on your bed is 300 and still seems too soft OR you’ve resorted to bedding down in a McDonald’s ‘Play land’ ball pit.

9) When heading for the backyard hot tub, the neighbors send nag-o-grams citing violation of the association ’no Rhino’ clause OR prior to entry, your pool must be drained for fear of downstream flooding and levy breaks.

10) The kitchen fridge is labeled “Chickens” and the basement one is marked “Pies” OR the’ Ice in door’ levers are modified to dispense shredded or cubed pepper jack cheese.

Night-Owl or Early-Bird?

Most people choose to describe themselves as either a Night-Owl or an Early-Bird. I have the unique luxury of being one of a very select few who belongs to BOTH of these sub-groups! Now I guess there could be a number of sleep schedules which break from these norms, particularly depending on your work requirements? But if there is one thing that I learned in college - the BEST theories are always formulated from the least amount of data. All those pesky facts floating around just make everything so much longer and difficult to explain. So for my own selfish purposes, since I have to go to the bathroom, I shall only address the two main aforementioned bird-based sleep groups.

As a Night-Owl, I recall working third shift. It was clear that most people I encountered after the witching hour were in love with the power of the night. I assumed as soon as their work was done for the day, they would drive home to their sun-less lairs and foil-covered windows to seek precious sleep, or more likely, an O-positive bat-shake?

I was one of these night creatures. I really loved driving to work when most people were tucked away for the night. There is something excitingly beautiful about a cityscape designed for thousands of interacting humans during the day being silently vacant at night. I liked looking at the darkened business signs, endless empty aisles of stocked goods, and the chilly stillness in the air.

Now as an Early-Bird, there is also something vibrant about a city waking up? Out of the silence, the sound of the morning newspaper hitting the driveway begins the show. Then the birds start to chatter and chirp their morning dialog. A few joggers may happen by along with at least one hard-core biking enthusiast. You know the type – the bright neon green stretch pants with exposed bulging calf muscles and a form-fitting water-wicking jersey? Yeah, that guy is in every town in America.

For my parents, as they have gotten older, the morning begins with an infectious pre-dawn arrival at a favorite breakfast place. I only mention this long-standing habit because it has now apparently infected my Aunt as well? At 5:35AM, my bedside cell rings and the impossibly cheerful voice of my Aunt says “Where are we going to brekkie?”, obviously mistaking my number for that of my parents nearby. I am almost positive it was a mistake since I LIVE OVER 200 MILES AWAY from her and my folks. At best I could meet for breakfast at NOON! But I was amazingly cheerful too because not only was it great to hear her happy voice, but also I had yet to settle-in completely from a Night-Owl binge.

Therein lies the problem. If you belong to both of these groups – when do you sleep? I try to sleep a full night and I completely acknowledge the health benefits of getting good rest. But there is just so much going on and passing me by while sleeping. I pick up an hour nap here or a snoozing block there, but it is very unusual to sleep like normal people. Too bad – God knows I always strive to be Normal!

So there you have it – the mysteries revealed of the Night-Owl and Early-Bird. I would explore the topic with you at more depth, but my Vegas in-laws just called and asked me to meet them for a 99 cent casino “brekkie” special. With a deal like that, I need to pack as I have a 1500 mile drive ahead of me. If I leave now, I should be there before tomorrow’s ‘Early-Bird special’ cut-off at 8:00AM. Heaven forbid if I have to pay the full $2.99 like everyone else. What do you think I am – Normal?!

Clothing is BAD!

You need not turn away for fear of an expose' on a nudist camp (Ha – that’s a funny phrase on a number of levels). It’s not that I shun clothing, it’s just that most clothing finds ways to confound my under-developed brain. I have patiently tried to make peace with the stuff for decades, but it is disagreeable at best and ‘Pol-Pot’ evil at best.

My jacket in particular obviously receives more than ample exercise during the colder seasons of the year. Though it complains little, in its silent but deadly way, it tries irritating me with sophomoric tricks. The pocket liner for one has separated from the normal pocket hole, however only on ONE side. So unless you purposefully reach in and insert the things that you normally put in pockets with care, they may choose the normal fist-sized recess, or more likely, they will drop off into the Grand Canyon? Yes that space behind your pockets is the black hole of jackets and the really fun part is that the space is a continuous void that extends from one side of the garment to the other.

I know it sounds like a pretty minor thing to complain about with real troubles in the world. But consider the daily, if not hourly, frustration of losing ones keys, absent-mindedly into that void of batting; dark unseen places previously only known to Sri Lankan seamstresses. I have found pens, pencils, paper clips, business cards, a rubber band, and exactly 57 cents (interestingly enough excluding quarters) lost deep in the fabric of space-time itself.

If you are familiar with winter jackets, then you likely have owned one with that rugged continuous cord that extends the girth of the jacket. You snug up this string presumably to get a more body-hugging fit at the waistline. Sadly I never have had need to snug up any garment over my jolly waist, but that does not mean that little evil string will leave me alone. On the outside, if that cord gets caught and pulled to one side, the coat will bunch up and rise on one hip while flaccidly draping helplessly on the other. For a person of my size, this unfairly gives the untrained observer a reason to flee screaming for ‘Sanctuary’ as a modern day ‘hunchback’ bears down upon them from a darkened drug store parking lot.

Fortunately my self esteem is not easily damaged as I simply attempt to adjust the cord and relieve the momentary tension with the horrified observer. But as previously described, the inner parts of the jacket and batting have been dislodged and disturbed from my frequent fishing trips for parking meter money. Now that nasty scratchy batting inexplicably will tangle with every back and forth pull to even up the fall of the jacket. Magically, as if I need the help, my posterior grows a life preserver-sized pillow rolling up in the back of my jacket. Though my esteem is still solidly intact, I do try to avoid the hemorrhoid and Beano medication aisle at Walgreens now.

The final straw to this jacket is the stupid hood. Of course ALL normal adults avoid use of a built-in jacket hood in favor of a more stylish fashion hat and ear-muffs, or a cool skater-dude knitted cap. Nope, not me! When the going gets tough, I raise my oversized head tarp in anticipation of the warmth akin to a tender hug from my Mother. But of course I think of all this too late. Either the wind relentlessly fights my efforts to cinch this parachute closed, or the trash can-sized hood has already filled with rain or snow. So when I pull the hood over, it showers my head and neck with a shivering icy grip of electric-cold.

So forgive me if I do not find the same elation as most of you by opening a bulky Christmas box from Kohls. I just have a negative Pavlovian response to outerwear that far outweighs my inner appreciation of your thoughtfulness. I have begun taking pro-active baby steps at trying to re-condition myself to learn to love my jacket again. Ooo what’s this in my pocket - a QUARTER? And oh my gosh, look … is that a sawbuck inadvertently stuck in my hood? Wow I’m already feeling better! I think I'm ready to cruise ALL of the aisles at Walgreens? Not to worry, Spring is nearly here and I’m pullin’out my WINDBREAKER!