Monday, March 1, 2010

What's the deal with Cheese Balls?

Unless you are socially stunted, on occasion you probably have happened upon a food-like substance known as a 'cheese ball' at a party? For purposes of this post, I will include the aptly named 'cheese log' as a cylindrical shaped version of the same cheese genus. For those of you who were oft tardy to your High School Latin class, I am referring to the same 'family' or classification of soft party cheeses NOT to their debatable superior intelligence.

I am oddly curious about these fist-sized chunks of calories. Why are they coated in nutmeats?While the cheese itself can be quite flavorful, soft, and easy to spread, once you hit the outer asphalt of slivered almonds, your cracker will fracture instantly. This is irritating and unecessarily adds to the cost of a cheese ball. After all, if I want nuts on my cheese, I usually can find a bowl of mixed varietals somewhere at the party next to the popcorn and Fritos.

The addition of that armored layer of nuts makes the cheese very dense so even heat treated knives are rendered helpless for spreading. At parties, more than once I have found myself attempting to flick-off an entire nut encrusted cheese ball inadvertently impaled upon my knife. It is embarassing and unsanitary to dislodge a two pound chunk of cheese with your bare hands. I also never get invited back to parties but then again that may be the Leprosy thing?

Now I know I am a bit of a purist when it comes to cheese anyway. In fact, I had to make a special stop in Wisconsin just to buy and try some of their world famous curd. I even was so impressed with Cabot sharp brick cheeses made in Vermont that my parents had to ship me hunks of the stuff before it was available where I live.

So sorry if I ain't 'nuts' about nuts n' stuff in my cheese. When you have honed and refined your tastes you will learn to appreciate the likes of Velveeta, Cheez Whiz, and Kraft American slices with the same reverence as I do. Easy to slice and easy to live with; I want REAL 'lumpless' cheese, pure and natural - the way God (and Wal Mart) intended it.


  1. Hey you Cheezy Whiz:

    Don't you know they put nuts on Cheese Balls
    so if you drop them on the floor they don't
    get FUZZ sticking to them?

    But I like your stories about your unrefined tastes.

    Keep the blogs (and cheeseballs) rolling!

  2. Personally, I'm offended by the outrageously high cream cheese-to-actual cheese ratio of a cheese ball. Methinks they should be referred to as "cream cheese balls."