The ‘Poodle-loon’: A man, a pooch, and a dream

Recently our friends introduced us to their new dog that was so small it is referred to as a ‘teacup poodle’. Now I think it is probably more of the size of a ‘Big Gulp’ or a ‘Thirsty Two Ouncer’ cup but you get the idea. He is a cute little guy and seems to do all the stuff normal dogs do except in a far more diminutive, two-pound curly poodle packaging.

I am a little worried about him because he doesn’t yet understand the ways of the real world. Just because he has all the attitude of the ‘big dog on campus’, his stature is still only a fearsome 5 inches tall unless WET and then he is reduced to freshman ‘rat status’. Honestly, if that little furry piece of lightning came running into the bedroom when I am half-asleep, I would scream in terror like an even littler girl than usual. Out of primal fear, I would instinctively react by throwing pillows at it or even worse, unleash the wrath of my freakishly large hippo feet bound in pink ballet slippers. There has to be a way to make that little black dog a little more obvious when it is underfoot and a tad less frightening when it’s beady black eyes come charging in at ankle-level unexpectedly.

No don’t worry I won’t try anything in-humane or risk the little guy’s health. My two previous animal inventions both failed anyway. The first one, I briefly froze an ant’s metabolic rate and attached a custom made quarter-inch chariot with wheels. This idea would have worked too but my miniature version of Charlton Heston never could get used to commanding the ant in place of a pony. I also once made a walking harness for our kitten so my daughter could take her for community strolls. Every time I would loosely fit the contraption around her kitty waist, she would get all ‘catty’ and passive aggressive. That cat’s protests consisted of nary a growl or riled meow, she simply locked all four appendages and toppled over stiff-legged like a frozen fainting goat. If your thoughts of a nice walk with your pet consists of dragging a furry anchor through a sunny meadow, then this idea is for you.

Dogs however are ‘Man’s best friend’ and I’m mostly all-man right? So basically this time my plan for the teacup mutt is to get a couple of those ‘Underdog’ helium balloons and inflate them to counteract most of the curly pennyweight’s puny poundage. I’ll make it so he’ll not quite float but the rig might slow the micro-dog down a bit. If nothing else, maybe if I sew him up one sparkly paw-glove, he’ll learn to ‘moonwalk’ for Epic Records, or even better, NASA. Obviously my balloon harness invention, which I have dubbed the ‘Poodle-loon’, will make the pup easily visible to the human eye and ensure his safety in my big-footed presence. And who knows, the pooch might even be a BIG hit at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade – unless it’s windy or it RAINS!