Don’t tell me what to do – SPELL it out!

I was pondering the science of making a perfect pizza when out of the bag of pepperoni, a little salt-sized packet of dessicant fell out which had the words “Do not eat” printed all over it. First off why, out of all the quality fine foods in the world, are only lowly pepperoni and beef jerky concerned with humidity control? Does that mean staples like coffee, flour, and brown sugar don’t rank high enough to receive a moisture-absorbing countermeasure packet, yet pepperoni somehow does?

Also I don’t like my food telling me what to do, so I resent spending good money at the market, only to get a message out of the package that says I ‘can’t’ eat the ENTIRE contents of the stinking bag. I admit it, I have trouble with authority, but I think almost anyone in their right mind would not appreciate deli meats bossing them around. Nobody wants a sandwich loaded with a ‘magazine’ of Oscar Mayer cold cuts taunting them with obnoxious comments like ‘you’re full of baloney’ – even if it’s true!

Often when I overeat, my food ‘speaks’ to me in any number of antisocial ways, but I try not to take it personally and generally let the comments pass. But I draw the line at those stupid little clam-shaped fortune cookies. Why are people so compelled to listen to the predictions from some nasty yellow cardboard cookie with a piece of toilet paper stuffed inside? Funny, when I give loads of well-heeled, exacting advice to my ‘family’, they humor me with a polite smile. But if a fortune cookie’s got something to say, even if it’s ‘CRUMBY’ sentiment – that cookie’s all-knowing and has a direct line to GOD!

So it seems that I am going to have to really watch what I eat now that the pantry seems to be mouthing off more. Yes, the Pop Tarts have riddles on the frosting and my gum comes wrapped in comics. As crazy as it sounds, I’m even noticing that the AlphaBits cereal and the Alphabet soup are getting all macho and comparing the size of their bowls. Eating has become so much more stressful now with all of these ‘wordy’ foods – maybe I need to play a game with the family to relax. Uh Oh, not so fast … looks like we only have a choice of Scrabble, Probe, and Upwords. If I’m going to win I think I’m going to need some help, so let me spell it out for you - BRING ON THE FOOD!