Cannibal Jam

Like the preference of millions of kids, I am a grape jelly fan. I know the choice is fairly benign as flavored toppings for toast go, but it is still my favorite. As a rule, I don’t like any kind of chunks floating around in my food. So preserves are a big ‘No No’, unless you are trying to corral untruthful and lazy wild animals like the aptly named ‘lions’.

Yes, keep that orange peel jam along with pulpy orange juice, and chunky fruit yogurt away from me. I want my jelly jolly pure, and everything else free of hidden texture and special surprises. So imagine my chagrin when yesterday reports from the U.K. surfaced of a jar of jam made from hair derived from the late Princess of Wales, Diana.

Can you believe they have already sold some 500 jars of this ‘hair-brained’ gunk for $7.60? Are anyone but cannibals and hairdressers dabbing this royal paste on their pancakes.? I’ve had a ‘Full Monty’ English breakfast in London, but I always thought THAT hair in my jam was by accident. If I had known tresses were so precious, I wouldn’t keep hacking off my mane, or my secondary hair for that matter.

If this Princess Diana ‘hair gel’ is such a good idea, why do they have to infuse the follicle with gin and a bunch of milk and sugar? Doesn’t anything with enough milk and sugar just end up tasting like ice cream mix? I’m sure the only thing that was REALLY infused with gin was the jam-packed liver of the guy who invented this ‘Do-Goo’. Who knows, if this fleecing trend keeps up, maybe Smuckers will open a bunch of salons to harvest other celebrity locks for jugs of jam. We already know that 'Hollyweird' seems to magically PRESERVE their looks and JELLY their brains!