Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Cussing for Mummies

Cursing is a timeless art which traces its mummified Egyptian origins back around 2 million years as a part of early man’s most primitive utterances. The earliest recorded uses of four letter words has been credited to ‘Homo Sabilis’ a primitive yet not so distant ancestor of modern day actor Mel Gibson. Prior to this time only three letter expressions existed in language (and Mad Max movies) like ‘Ugh’ and ‘Ooo’ therefore making expletives impossible for the earliest sub-species of ‘Gibsonian’ Neanderthals.

Many scholars debate the exact time line of this incredible explosion of vile verbal expression. Some researchers believe cussing directly correlates with the advent of marriage. Others aren’t so sure and point specifically to primitive man’s most distasteful chores. Typically these might include unclogging bones caught in the tar pits, or cleaning the cave after a spirited blood–letting and peyote ‘par-tay’ with the clan.

It is unclear if the prevalence of dirty words and graphic references in modern rap music has roots in the protests of early primitives. Clearly around the ‘Dawn of Man’ but definitely before he brushed his teeth, some form of ‘Cave-ster Rap’ violently appeared in response to the pastel rock-stylings of the well known and coifed ‘Homo Manilow’ man.

Over time cussing became so prevalent in cave society that in many ways it has lost all meaning. In fact, currently there is a push in Hollywood to evolve ALL communication among hormonal and vulnerable Homo Erectus teens, into one continuous sentence of dirty ‘gutterances’ and inuendo. Modern Cro-Magnon women too have become so empowered, that they willingly debase themselves to the lowest common verbal denominator of unintelligent mouthy man (Umm?). That’s too bad,‘cause if can't trust your ‘Mummy’ to wash out your prehistoric mouth, who can you '#?$%&*' trust?


  1. Billy this was great! We were both chuckling.

  2. Homo Manilow?!!!!!! Excuse me while I clean up my monitor again......diet pepsi. You'd think I'd learn!

  3. I'm pretty sure it started when the first child turned into a teenager. When my first turned teen, I cursed like a drunken sailor. Okay, maybe I did before that, but I'm blaming the kid. He can talk about that shit in therapy later.