Monday, July 19, 2010

The stinky 'tail' of a gassy raccoon

I love Sunday mornings because invariably when I finally release my dagger’s clutch on my pillow at a quarter to 8AM, my wife ‘T’ has cleaned and fixed everything that I did not get to during the week. I don’t think she feels abused actually, as it is her ‘busy bee, ME time’. For a couple of hours each week, ‘T’ enjoys the incredible luxury of ditching the computer, cell, and OTHER people’s needs, to choose priorities that please her and her alone.

Often I too am the direct beneficiary of my wife’s motivated and focused fervor. It is not unusual to awake at week’s end to bear witness to a perfectly polished galley and the intoxicating lure of fresh brewed coffee. However this morning, wafting intermittently, between the delightful aroma of java and industrial lemon-scented bleach, was something quite new – an unsettling and distinct whisp of odious outhouse.

‘My gawd’, it’s barely daybreak and my senses are being assaulted by sulfur and ‘eau de methane’ – was I magically transported overnight into the middle of a cow pasture? No, ‘T’ had decided to ‘clean out’ the refrigerator and found some broccoli and cauliflower that, though old, seemed ‘savable’ if steamed and aspirated into the house’s interior air. Oh goody, I get to breathe in my fiber and carbs for the day rather than suck down bold n’ moldy broccoli stalks and cauliflower.

I don’t care how health conscious you are, sane people shouldn’t eat food that literally STINKS. So I held my breath, stole a cup of ‘joe’ and retreated for the sanctuary of double sealed doors in the office. About an hour later, my wife wandered in to see me, unbelievably disillusioned. She was justifiably complaining that she was not feeling so ‘hot’ after consuming a putrid pile of that steaming vegan stink. Hmmm, my two word query consoled her like that of ANY loving spouse who was cowering in a far off corner of their house – “YOU THINK?”

Needless to say, my wife’s own invention of this broccoli and cauliflower stink-bomb, refuses to die and still has one more chance to be a RIP-roaring success. You see we set a pan of this delicacy out for the raccoons and other wildlife to sample and enjoy. Tonight should be a real GAS around the ol’ den when those wacky bandits start feeling a bit bloated and bubbly should they dare a hearty meal. Don’t worry though, we never feed our guests anything that we won’t eat ourselves – including a double dose from our blimp-sized bottle of BEANO!


  1. Ah the joy of cleaning the refrigerator! It's always an adventure seeing what kind of science experiments grew. No two are ever alike!

  2. ROFL.....a post somewhat related to farts always grabs my attention.

    P.S. Could you send your wife to me? I need someone to show me what motivation looks like!

    P.P.S. The "Heartburn" card I made today was with you in mind. ;)