Weathering Old Age

My brain must be getting really old or my eyesight has become desensitized when it comes to television weather maps. It seems like every other day these weather wienies add yet another band of rainbow color to their already confusing and too complex maps. I mean do I really need to know that if I drive North 500 feet it is going to be a half a degree cooler than whatever jungle zone I’m currently stewing in now?

This phenomena only seems to happen in the summer months because when it is winter, TV weather people just show maps with big bands of blue or white denoting ‘chilly nose-holes cold’ or ‘excruciating, blackened frozen-toes COLDER’ with snow. I never remember having these red dust devil thingys stuck all over a map or that Harry Potter lightning bolt symbol traveling up and down in a little line.

It is not like the TV ‘Weatherettes’ know for sure what is going to happen anyway - it is a ‘guesstimate’ remember? I have never seen a job like this that PAYS you to be wrong most of the time. How about you try your chances with those percentages serving food in a prison chow line? Or worse yet, what if Obstetricians, Proctologists, and Urologists made as equally poor assessments in their jobs as these goofy Weather-betters do? I think particularly for those professions, it is of critical importance to avoid mix-ups and KNOW EXACTLY what sized object is expected out of a which appropriately- sized orifice?

So give me back my plain old simple, understandable TV weather maps with a few curvy bumps in the middle, easy to read temperatures, and maybe a ‘happy sun’ up in the corner. Yes, you can save your rainbow color bands for tubs of cheap sherbet, Gay pride parades, or maybe some hippie mud festival in the rain. All this wacky weather talk and ranting is making me HOT. Gee, assuming my brain’s hypothalamus is happy, then I really am a crotchety old WEATHERED geezer!