Saturday, June 12, 2010

Brave GUTterances

Now like all parents I have a basic understanding of typical body chemistry and functions. It is kind of pre-requisite training if you are going to endure the pleasures of having children. The problem for me is that once my kid was grown and off to college, I thought most of my educational internship in all things organic and gastro-intestinal had ended.

But no, it is clear my Chinese calendar animal was not born under the lucky side of the placemat. Because even now at nineteen, almost anytime I am out with my daughter, she will find some new gurgle, burp, cough, or snort to make me wince and categorically repulse all innocent passers-by.

It does not matter if we are in a store, doctor’s office, restaurant or even a mortuary, the kid has some kind of weird stomach that either makes noise or convulses so violently as to wake the dead with her sonic-boom hiccups. These ‘barks’ of legend are actually a combination of a hiccup, cough, and belch all together and nobody on earth, except terrorists, should be subjected to one, much less her own parents.

The really odd thing is the kid’s own response to her demonstrative gastro-cannon is to simply laugh which exacerbates the problem. No embarrassment or loss of pride – just a short chopped chortle which invariably will cause her to gulp air at the EXACT wrong moment as her diaphragm contracts. This out-of-phase hiccup progressively gets louder and more pronounced, which in turns causes more laughs – more air … well you get the idea.

Within a few minutes, everyone within a 25 yard radius is subjected to a demented body chorus that they will not soon forget, but wish they could. And you thought I was the ‘special’ freak in the family, brave enough to face my problems in a public arena. At least my issues are all mental so people only THINK there is something wrong with me. No the truly brave one is my spasmodic spawn who dares public disgust every day – ‘cause it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to know ‘ she’s really GOT GUTS!’

1 comment:

  1. Weird. If It's a genuine medical oddity maybe you could make money hiring her out to laboratories for experiments.
    Why don't you record these noises then make sure
    you DON'T put them on your blog?
    Just kidding. Give the poor girl a hug.
    But don't squeeze too hard.