Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The language of food

The one thing that we have noticed whenever we stop in at a fast food joint or even at the supermarket, is that these food places have a language all their own. Now the trick is to try and decipher the dialects of this unique language so you can communicate effectively with the indigenous cashiers. When you begin to consume all those questionable calories or pay more for that food, isn’t it nice to know what you are REALLY eating?

For example at burger restaurants, my wife observed that anytime the vendor adds the word ‘Deluxe’ to a burger – that actually means you will receive some sort of fleshy fatty thing resembling BACON on your ‘hamby’. That is great of course if you want some sliced piglet on your sandwich, but otherwise I think the better term for most of these Deluxe burgers is ‘De-Yuchs’.

The same goes for pizza shops who are selling you a ‘family sized’ pizza vs. a personal pie. While I understand that ‘personal’ probably means for one person, I did not know it equates directly to ONE SLICE? Further, that enormous family sized pizza pie will actually feed a family of sparrows maybe but never more than 3 normal adults in real life. At the grocery, they often market things with ‘Squeezable’ bottles for your ‘convenience’. That actually means, ‘No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to get ALL of the product out of this bottle’.

If anything like chips or frozen foods are ‘Cheeseburger’ flavored, that actually means that they will taste mostly like dill pickles and a hint of mustard. If your food purchases are now ‘Richer’ in flavor – that just means that they will be saltier or have more fat and calories. Even that salt has a unique code – if it is Sea Salt , then it is functionally the EXACT same thing as good old fashioned table salt BUT it costs 20% more. So learn to crack the food code and soon enough you will love to speak the TRUE language of food. Be sure you are always respectful to the various restaurant tribes when conversing in their native tongue. Because in most ‘Food’ dialects, except after a fulfilling meal, it is almost NEVER a good idea to end a sentence with an exclamation point … BUUUUURRRRRPPPP!


  1. True, often.
    But I once bought a pizza which WOULD feed a family -- including the Octuplets.
    It was a giant one from Pizza d' Oro in Costa Mesa, Calif. Biggest and best-tasting too. It was so huge in circumference when I carried it (flat of course) people actually had to step off the sidewalk to make room for me...and IT.
    But that was many years and many pizzas ago.