Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Water picks on me

Generally I like all kinds of activities that include water. Swimming is the obvious favorite but stuff like boating, bathing, and even rain rank pretty high on the list too. There are only two situations that I don’t trust with H2O and that is automated car washes and when my wife water-boards me for anniversary gift information. Specifically auto car washes are not my cup of tea because ... well they are AUTOMATIC. As long as the things will let me control the water wand by myself then there is no problem. But once you lock me in a little booth and let the machines take over, well that is where the trouble begins.

Now I HAVE been through an auto carwash and I do appreciate the idea that I simply drive my car in one hole and out the other with a clean car. I also appreciate the gizmos and gears that robotically wash, and spray all my car’s hidden dirty spots without nary a scratch to the body. I wish sometimes, that I could say as much for that horribly rough loofah sponge that taunts me in my own shower. It is like trying to scrub with tiny volcanic knives shredding two and three layers of my skin at a time.

Once again I digress but … uh, oh yes, the auto car wash. My problems started long ago when I had to wear a suit to work. Whenever I filled the car up with gas, I would wash it too ( keep up people ... THE CAR not the suit). After fueling, I rolled the window down to enter a code so I could drive my car into the wash bay. I had done this many times before so I was an expert. But this time something struck me as very odd.

As my car came to a rest at the wheel stop inside the automatic car wash bay, I looked to my left at the bank of wash nozzles I had seen so many times before. They were strangely textured in detail and had an unusually bright look of gleaming stainless steel … but why did everything seem so much more tactile and alive in three dimensions? Then it suddenly occurred to me, ‘they look so real and 3D-close because I was looking at them directly …I HAD LEFT THE CAR WINDOW DOWN!!!

Well you can guess the rest, because at that exact moment, all matters of hydro-purgatory let loose. Those high pressure jets concentrated a mixture of soapy warm water on my head, neck, and suit like no water-boarding I had ever experienced. I of course tried to close the window but I had turned off the car so the window was frozen in time. I struggled to keep a pinpoint jet from digging a third nostril into my nose, as I started the car and rolled up that stinking window. Needless to say, my office was not particularly sympathetic to my stupidity. That was the day I lost my trust for water technology – after all, I was THAT guy who not only WASHED his suit, but also had his teeth and NOSE ‘WaterPik’d’ by the car wash robot!!


  1. OMGOSH.........excuse me while I go change my pants.

  2. Ha! You got it way worse than I! And the detail, very funny, very, very funny!

    Thanks for sharing and letting me know there is someone out there that experienced automatic water! I don't feel so alone!! :)