Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Mock ME but not my country or crackers

I was kind of amused the other day when on late night television, a comedian with a distinctly ‘foreign’ dialect did a stand-up bit referring to the U.S.A as the land of “American cheese CRACKERS’. Oh yes I get that in modern slang, the term is thought of as a pejorative for Caucasians. But honestly folks, does anyone really think this term would get a true American’s blood boiling in real life? I love cheese and crackers anyway, so if somebody said to me “Hey - Cracker!”, I would say “WHERE?”

The thing is around here that Saltines and other types of crackers are so popular, they have their own zip code. I have at least 3 or 4 boxes in reserve at all times in case of cracker supply issues at Wal Mart, or if, on an off chance we meet up with a dozen or so rabid parrots. I can’t help it really, because crackers are so versatile. You can eat ‘em raw or in soup, sail them like Ninja weapons, build little towers out of them, or in a pinch, use them as a decent set of checkers – ovals vs. squares.

As you might expect, I am the practical one of the house and prefer the simple conservative square saltines, also known by their military designator as P.B.D.S. (Peanut Butter Delivery System). My kid has to have those ‘reduced fat’ Triscuts and ultra thin crackers with ‘vegetable’ flavored seasoning. Does all that multicolored powder and the extra long names of these products make them healthier and worth 3 times the price of my ‘plain jane’ saltines? My wife of course only loves those fancy ‘shapely’ girly crackers with the wheat, rye, and butter flavorings. I am not sure but when fermented that mash sounds like the fixin’s for a batch of ‘Hillbilly Hooch’ to me – I’m going to have to keep my ‘pink-eye’ on her.

Wow it’s getting late and this cracker-chat has made me feel a bit ‘HUNGARY’, so it’s times like these that I am thankful I don’t live in North Poland. Those European countries don’t have convenient 24 hour access to bricks of Velveeta and P.B.D.S. on demand like my proud but portly homeland. Yes we Americans are a patriotic, ‘cracker-lovin’ people that believe in God, Country, and a high-caliber double crust, MOCK Apple pie!


  1. I'm hungry. Loonie wants a cracker.

  2. I'm getting the impression that your wife and daughter are too picky about their food.
    And you don't seem to be picky enough!

    But I don't see how anyone could get fat by eating crackers. Takes too many of them --
    unless you put slabs of lard between 'em.

    (Note to foreigners: No, most of us don't actually do that, no matter what our comedians say.)