Wednesday, July 28, 2010

‘Mr. ED’ & TV that no one should have to see

I understand that we live in the media age and almost nothing is off the table when it comes to TV reporting, news and advertising these days. But honestly shouldn’t there be at least a few limits that normal ‘sane’ folks can agree on? Ok now once those two people have agreed, the rest of us need to put our foot down and demand removal of ‘offensive’ material from television. Sadly that will make most sporting events somewhat ‘one-sided’, but in my defense, the games will only take half as long to play and watch.

Hey I am not a prude-dude. I am just tired of sitting quietly, minding my own business watching television, when all of a sudden I’m visually assaulted by very disturbing images. I don’t complain just for myself but for those innocent young people around me as well. After all I am getting up there in age, so repeated shock and awe from any source, can have a detrimental effect on my sphincter and Santa’s lap.

So lest you think I am being overly dramatic, let’s start with an easy one – Viagra, Cialis, and the whole term ‘E.D.‘ PLEASE – I never EVER want to hear about that talking horse again. I don’t want to see ‘geezer lovers’ sharing a ‘knowing’ moment, or looking at a sunset in side by side tubs or ANY of it. I’m thrilled for you if this stuff has changed your life but why should it change my life too? Please just bring back liquor and cigarette ads if I have to keep seeing amorous old people holding hands. Because I am going to need something to dull the pain and help kill myself much quicker than my current health regimen of saturated fats and NO exercise.

I also am done with all forms of ‘nekkid’ babies. The only three groups who like nude babies are naïve ‘first time’ mothers , old wrinkly Grandmothers who have forgotten what a naked baby looks like, and farm ‘sows’ who eat their young. The rest of us, especially guys, HATE naked babies so put some clothes on those kids if you are going to put them on TV.

Now if we’re talking big babies, we have to group in those TV liability lawyers of mid-day and late night television too. I will never need one of these odd-ball attorneys and neither will you. Locally, we actually have a lawyer who advertises on daytime TV that wears an eye-patch and has the voice inflection of a stale donut. If you require the assistance of a wooden pirate lawyer then you had better kiss your booty goodbye, because you’d get better representation from a stuffed parrot.

Ok, that’s enough gripe-writing for now. I need to get back and watch more television because I have fallen short in my regular afternoon diet of car, fast food, insurance, cell phone, and trade school advertising. Maybe if I am lucky, the idiot box will show me something that EVERYONE wants to see – A naked baby liability lawyer, who can’t get enough of those little blue pills and endless re-runs of Mr. ED!


  1. I am SO with you on this! Enough already!

  2. and don't show me aliens spewing nauseating black fluid all over someone's face and watching them peel off their skin in order to get some relief. It just isn't fekking cool.

  3. Mr. Ed????!!!! My, my, Bill.....just HOW OLD are YOU? ;)

  4. I hate to get serious, but I see more and more children being used in adult situations and subjected to, or scripted to recite unlimited swearwords. We should object to that, even though their parents have agreed to allow it.
    We all know those freaky Hollywood parents never knew, or cared, how to raise their kids.