Ornaments fo' da’ HOOD!

What ever happened to those distinctive hood ornaments on cars? I remember when car makers were more than anxious to advertise their vehicle monikers by casting them in big hunks of polished chrome and gluing them on the pointy end of their cars. I always liked these things as they gave jaywalkers a fighting chance at a hand hold if I was momentarily distracted by the radio, cell phone, or stuck accelerator pedal.

Some car makers featured lithe muscular leaping animals on their hoods, to show how virile and sporty their automobiles were. Others had stalwart and sturdy big horned sheep to show that their car’s were tough as nails … or as meek as sheep I guess? As ornaments became less and less popular, they just seemed to feature the car maker’s brand or maybe some little trophy looking statuette thing.

Maybe that was the point all along – these were little trophies that we got for spending all our cash on a certain brand of fancy new car? I wonder why I don’t get a trophy for driving my old dented car. I’m the one trying to save money and be responsible, while everyone else sinks deeper into debt and unwisely keeps jaywalking.

Now it seems car makers are afraid of even labeling their cars at all. Whenever I am on the freeway it is one boring blob on the road right behind another slightly bigger blob. Except for tricked out black SUV’s owned by Rappers, what has happened to the auto-‘bling’ thing? Don’t worry, I can combat this problem myself. I have plans to duct tape one of my old BOWLING trophies onto my car’s bow, as a shiny and memorable ornamental hood-topper. Other than a trash truck, it seems THIS is the only way to drive something ‘striking’ and truly ‘di-STINK-tive’ anymore.