Friday, June 25, 2010

Only GIRLS use candleabras!

I have picked on decorator candles before but usually for their pungency and not so much their ‘look’ because everyone knows ‘looks don’t matter ‘ right? Well pretty platitudes aside, some of these jars of wax, even at places like Sears, have some awfully weird stuff mixed in and glued onto them. I’ve seen buttons, bows, sand, and even REAL bee’s mummified in all things wax.

I am kind of wondering what kind of drugged-up, Vincent Price ‘wanna be’ started sticking wicks in wax molded doll heads and bloody hands under his house? I have seen a candle in the shape of a cartoon bomb where the wick sparks and spits like a fuse. I almost bought my Mother in Law a White Castle burger box candle holder. When lit, the thing even SMELLS like one of those little steamed gut-busters.

Probably everyone has seen paint can candles or at least one weird candle built into an odd-ball container. They can reverse engineer almost any smell now, so then it is just a matter of finding the appropriate and unique delivery method for the goo. I thought a ‘jar of paste’ candle might rekindle some fond memories of my youth – I used to eat that stuff by the pail-load. I have seen a urinal cake candle which is classless when lit up, but probably a bit better than a ‘port-a-potty’ version under full flame?

I actually think I could become quite good at finding distasteful things to put a light to if I set my mind to it. Fortunately I lost my mind long ago and it was rarely on fire anyway. Don’t worry there are plenty of other folks who have burned their candles at both ends to come up with even weirder waxy decorative clutter anyway. Link here if you have been paying attention and want to see more. As for me, I’m off to squeeze the Bee barf out of my ears – if I'm lucky I might be able to dig out enough to make my wife a nice comfortable 'CandleaBRA'!

1 comment:

  1. Ain't nothing wrong or distasteful about that!